Like thread through a needle.
Everything I do is stitched with its color
("Separation" W.S. Merwin)
It was difficult - XY simply could not concentrate, she was typing, retyping, deleting but nothing seemed to be going right for her - at least that's what she felt. The way it has been moving for the past one year or so, it has been nothing short of a turmoil and recovering has been difficult (well, almost impossible...) But then this time, she had to finish, end it all, try for once and for all - penning emotions to paper is what she did best and this should not have been a problem but when was simple a synonym for life???
Sometime -a telephonic conversation
- I don't think I can make it, I have to stay back, Ma is not really well.
- This is the 100th time probably that you have refused to go out with my friends. You think I don't understand, you really don't like me or my friends, or anything associated with me. I don't know, you have to come or else...
- Or else what???I told you I can't come.
- You have to come and that's final, I won't take "NO" for an answer this time.
- Please try to understand, I really can't come...
Two days later, outside a plush urban store
- What do you think I should gift him?
- Well, he's your friend, you will know best, I haven't even seen him, so what do I know?
- Fine, I know you are not interested, but better keep a smile on for today, you don't have to look like a dead fish all the time.
- Yes, okay.
An hour later - some restaurant
- Great, finally the drinks have arrived..let's begin!!!
- .....................................
- $#%$#^$%^%&^%&@
- No, she doesn't drink.
-.......................................
- %$^$%&^%*&(*&$#^$%
- Nope, she's absolutely fine, aren't you? Let's order the food...This time you can't be stingy...oye...pass the cashews on...
- ....................................
- !@#@%$#^$&%^*^&(*&(%^&%$&#
- She will eat anything I order, won't you? OR you wouldn't eat?
-.......................................
-!@!@$#@%$#%^%&%*^*&^%#@!^^
-!~#@!$@#%$#^$%&^*&*(^&%%$#$#@
-!@!#@$##$%@!$%#%$^%&^%&^&***(#!
Some months later, in a car speeding across a city road...
- Where are we going today?
- You haven't been there before...a nice place.
- But where? You won't tell me...
- Wait for some time, what's the hurry.
-Okay
..................................................................
..................................................................
- Whose house is this?
- Runtu's...he's not here now, so we can get in ....and you go in first, I'd follow.
- But why are we going into his house now?Can't we sit somewhere else?I don't want to go, please...please let's go somewhere else, please....
-Don't create a scene on the road, just walk on, you are not a baby.
The effort drained her. She could not continue any longer simply because the past had reared its ugly mane laughing like Medusa, refusing to be obliterated. What is it that XY could not prefigure - probably when Barthes said the author was dead, he buried the subjective impulses but XY was no Barthes, she could not...a few minutes and several splashes of water on the face, she began afresh.
Runtu's house, that day
A telephonic conversation again...couple of days later.
- Why the hell didn't you call me for these two days? What's wrong with you?
- I was busy with my work...the exams are due in a month.
- So?? You couldn't have given me a call?
- I didn't want to....I was too disturbed after that day, I didn't think there was anything I wanted to tell you which you would like to listen.
- Wait a minute, you are still thinking about all that s***?? Why on earth don't you understand, it is quite normal, and if I don't ask you for it then should I go ahead and ask any other girl walking on the road?
- Still, you have to ask for it, isn't it?
- See, there was nothing wrong in what I did, and you should stop behaving like this or else...
A few months later...
- So what are your plans? What are you doing after this?
- I don't know...I want to study further, and I think I'm applying in some American universities, my professors think I will make it.
- What???? You didn't even tell me...You can't go and that's final.
- But I really want to...put yourself in my place and think for once, please, I can really do well.
- If I were in your place, I would have been happily married by now. You are not going, you do whatever you have to do here, stay in this place and do whatever you want to but you are not going out of this city, forget about the American universities.
Some lightyears ago...on a nondescript road
On the telephone again....midnight.
- Why the hell have you stopped taking my calls? You aren't scared or what? or you must have been talking to one of your romeos. You have to come and meet me now...we will go to Runtu's place. You have to come or else I will spoil your entire life, you will forget your studies, your family, everything...you d***ed b****...you hear me...
-.........................................................
- Tomorrow you have to meet me and settle this.
Brushing back her hair, XY smiled...for the first time in the last two days and her smile went up to her eyes...eyes that were not misty any longer but purely resplendent.
It was cathartic...it's how you feel after you have recovered from a prolonged period of illness - raring to go. Dr. Zhivago did not scare me anymore...I had deprived it of that right and as the morning light seeped through my flowery wispy curtains, I could feel only the bright sun embracing me with its warmth.
